I am the world's worst mom.

I am the world's worst mom. EVER.

This is how i feel right now.

The clocking is ticking. 11 hours and 20 mins more before i bring Matthew to begin his life of "institution"....infant care.

Sigh.

Chris and i made the decision to send Matthew to infant care wayyyyyyyyyyyy before he was a lentil bean in my tummy. This  has been in the works for a while. I know its coming. For the whole duration of pregnancy, i wasnt sure which hospital i want to deliver in, which PD i want, if i should attend antenatal ( i didnt) but i was very sure that i will go back to work and baby will go to infant care. End of. No fuss. No tears. Rainbows and pots of gold.

If only life is as simple as the alphabet song. As i am typing, my heart is heavy and i am trying so hard to hold myself together. The last time i felt this heart-wrenching pain was when my grandpa passed away.

The truth is i didnt have an instant connection to the baby when i first laid eyes on him. Not sure if its because  i delivered via c-section but i just didnt feel anything when i saw Matthew for the first time (except to make sure that he has 10 fingers and 10 toes). In fact, after he came home, i spent the first few weeks desperately to find the connection that every pregnancy book said i would have with my son but zilch.

One day, he smiled at me and held my finger. I fell in love. Hook, line and sinker.

I thought about being a stay home mom. Chris and i would survive on single income. But then, i dont want to just survive. I want to live and more importantly, i want Matthew to live a life filled with adventures (and in Singapore, that usually means $$$). Sad to say, Singapore is still not at the point where it will readily accept stay home moms back into the working society, or at least how i feel.

So, worst-mom-moment day tomorrow. Sigh.

Matthew, it really pains me to send you to school tomorrow. One day, i hope you will understand why we need to do so. Mommy and daddy love you very much.